It’s important for me to tell you that I am solely responsible for my actions. I certainly don’t place blame on others. But in order for me to share my story completely, I need to explain the circumstances happening in my outer world that so drastically affected my inner core. My cutting was the result of two major events in my life: my parent’s rocky marriage and a back injury that would end my dream of playing college basketball.
For as long as I can remember, my parent’s relationship has been a love/hate, push/pull type of battle. The good times were amazing, and the bad absolutely devastating. As a kid, I found myself stuck in the middle having to choose sides. I was literally torn between the two most important people in my life. I was confused, angry and sad – silently, I was experiencing such a profound level of hurt. I started to blame myself for their fights and instinctively began to internalize every emotion and memory. The pain started to take up so much space. On the surface I wore a smile, but on the inside I felt like I was slowly dying. I was a walking time bomb waiting to go off...
Along with the constant fighting, there was another major event that occurred that acted as a trigger to the harm that was to come. Basketball was my life and passion - my dream was to play in college. The summer going into my junior year of high school, I took a fall on the court that would change my life as I knew it. Six months later I was diagnosed with rare, permanent fractures in my L5S1. Doctors told me this pain was something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life and if I continued to play, serious damage was inevitable. I felt my dreams slowly slipping away. As my team went undefeated, I sat on the bench desperately wanting to be part of their success.
The physical pain I was experiencing, coupled with the intense emotional heartache, just became too much for me to bear.
I started to cut in hopes of gaining some semblance of control…
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Memoirs of A Cutter
Some people choose drugs. Some people choose alcohol. I chose to cut. What started as an impulse became an addiction for 13 years. Cutting was the one thing I could rely on to relieve the intense emotional pain I was in. It allowed me to have control over something in my life, when everything else seemed to be falling apart. I cut because it was easier to bleed than it was to feel. As the cutting became more frequent, my brain connected to the false sense of relief I got from bad feelings - I craved it every time the pain was too difficult to bear. Because I was overpowered by emotions, I could never communicate with anyone how I was feeling. Cutting numbed and distracted me from what was killing me inside...it was my quick fix.
Cutting is an “unspoken addiction” people fear to talk about because self-harm is a scary topic to address. Most cutters are secretive, ashamed by what they do. This site is intended to be a place where people can feel safe sharing their stories and truly recognize that they are NOT alone. 1 in every 200 adolescent girls between the ages of 13-19 cuts regularly. With societal pressures growing daily, cutting has become a huge epidemic. We can no longer brush this issue under the table - it needs to be addressed and people need to become aware. IT IS A REAL ISSUE. People who cut are not freaks - they are people with intense pain who cannot cope in a healthy manner. So be brave, take a chance and speak up, tell your story...this is a JUDGMENT FREE zone!
Cutting is an “unspoken addiction” people fear to talk about because self-harm is a scary topic to address. Most cutters are secretive, ashamed by what they do. This site is intended to be a place where people can feel safe sharing their stories and truly recognize that they are NOT alone. 1 in every 200 adolescent girls between the ages of 13-19 cuts regularly. With societal pressures growing daily, cutting has become a huge epidemic. We can no longer brush this issue under the table - it needs to be addressed and people need to become aware. IT IS A REAL ISSUE. People who cut are not freaks - they are people with intense pain who cannot cope in a healthy manner. So be brave, take a chance and speak up, tell your story...this is a JUDGMENT FREE zone!
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